Mom's Body Control Slip Just in Time For The Holidays

                                                    My Mother Loves to Shop Online

 

Just in time for the holidays my mother decided we needed body slips to go under our "Christmas Dresses" (which of course I did not wear anyway). I will preface the rest of this post by saying..."My mother is the ultimate fashion guru."

 

My mother gets online and proceeds to shop for the body slips. As usual she calls me over every 30 seconds by saying "look at this one, do you want this one" and each reply is still the same, "looks good, whatever." Finally she finds the "one". A black full slip with bra, and the bra cups and insert down the middle are leopard print. (Oh Joy).  My mother is a size 8 and I am a size 12. Next comes the conversation of what sizes should we order, again my reply is.. "sounds  good , whatever." She settles on ordering her a medium and I got the extra large. A full size bigger than what the website recommended for our sizes. *Note: Women please consider that this should be a given in the body control attire category.* Click and bought.

 

In our family the women are built a bit different. We have ample breasts, no hips or ass (yes it is flat and small) and great legs. I really think I missed my calling by not being a leg model. And dead center in all this is the Pillsbury Dough Boy gene. This is where 90% of our weight is carried, seriously if our torsos were detached ( as in a serial killer detached ) and you went by the rest of our body parts to determine our weight we would weigh roughly 20 and 40 pounds each. We should have factored the PBD gene into the size equation. Just sayin'.

 

My mother decides she is wearing her new dress and control slip to one of her multiple "Christmas Functions" she is invited to attend. She enlists the help of her friend Peg. ( One of Peg's hobbies is making dog collars, travel beds and such ). The approach is the 'step into and pull up slip' one. You CANNOT pull up a body control slip over the PDB gene area, you can however stuff sausage into a casing. After roughly 30 minutes of sausage stuffing the slip is on and the sausage is indeed encased. My mother's ample breasts are now reduced to obscurity. (no small feat) And this is where the fun begins.

 

After examining herself in the mirror for roughly another 30 minutes, my mother decided that the only thing to make this look less like a stuffed sausage and more like a curvy body was to free the breasts. At which point the leopard print was cut out of the body slip and breasts rearranged. OMG, the picture...you will have to trust me, because there was no way to get off the floor and get a picture. Really  who wants mom's VIKING breasts on the internet? Yes, they pointed straight out and were perkier than any other time in her whole life. At this point Peg decides she can make dog hats out of the cut out leopard print material. I as of yet not seen the finished product modeled on a dog but they do exist.

 

I chose not to wear my body slip, although I did try it on... While drunk on New Year's Eve...yes the same effect was achieved... stuffed sausage. Even funnier drunk. And now what you have all waited for... the slip my mother DID not wear under her Christmas dress (and looked much better for it). After all my mother is the fashion guru in our house.